Not that I haven't tried to bring an artificial tree into our home;  I bought one years ago…set it up...and was immediately labeled as a "Grinch" by Lisa and our daughters (no, there was no joy in Whoville that day).  So, the next day, I was off to the tree lot to correct the previous day's poor judgement...and the subject of a "faux conifer" has not been discussed since.

 And, over the years, we seem to have come up with an unwritten code for ensuring that we get the perfect tree.  By following these simple guidelines, you too will have the kind of Christmas that you see in a Norman Rockwell painting (no wait...I cannot guarantee that).

 1)   Speed counts - We always get our tree from Mark Street United church over in East City the day they arrive.  Lisa makes a point of phoning the church office in the last week of November to find out the exact day they'll be in.  She even suggests disguising your voice each year so that Heather at the church office doesn't think you're desperate and pathetic.  Good point.

 2)  Go Big Or Go Home - Size does matter, as I've come to find out.  One year I was trusted to pick out the tree on my own.  Am I the only person who's ever had to return a Christmas tree?  If it doesn't touch the ceiling...it's not big enough. Please refer to the classic movie "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation" for further size guidelines.

 3)  Keep your distance - Securing the tree is my job.  We have an understanding that the house needs to be cleared - - women and children should not hear what comes out of my mouth as I wrestle the behemoth into place.  I suggest using medium gauge wire, duct tape and whatever power tools you have at your disposal (legal disclaimer - safety goggles and blade covers should be used while operating power tools).

 4)  Water, water and more water - this will ensure that the cat always has an alternate source of refreshment.

 So...pile the kids in the mini-van this weekend, and go search for your perfect tree!

 Hey, I'm thinking of introducing this piece of Yuletide cheer into our home next year - - wish me luck.