Tell me who doesn't like a quick fix? And who hasn't been in a terribly awkward situation that just makes you want to crawl into a hole and sob uncontrollably?
Maybe that's just me.
Anyway, I saw this article in Cosmo yesterday, titled Fast Fixes For Awkward Situations.
Most of the suggestions involve changing the subject or lying to your friends, so I've come up with some alternatives, which will probably make the situation way more awkward, but also way more fun.
Scenario #1: Someone brings up your party, and not everyone is invited.
Cosmo tells you to immediately change the subject by asking a question.
MY SUGGESTION: Look at the person who mentioned your party straight in the eye while screaming that the party is now canceled. Run out crying.
Scenario #2: At dinner, you ate less than everyone, and they want to split the cheque.
The article says to pull the waiter aside at the beginning of the meal, or just suck it up and let it even out next time.
MY SUGGESTION: Even if you're not hungry, order a huge meal. Pick at it, and then get it wrapped up to go. OR just get wasted.
Scenario #3: A neighbour you don't know very well asks for a favour.
The article recommends that you tell your neighbour that you'll be out of town too. How will they know if you're telling the truth? They'll be gone! It just might be the perfect plan.
MY SUGGESTION: If you really want to up the awk, tell them you can't because you are on house arrest. As long as there are no follow-up questions, you'll get out of ever having to do anything for this person ever again.
If there is a follow-up question, tell them you got caught stealing pregnancy tests from the dollar store.
Scenario #4: Someone asks about your perfume. It's your deodorant.
Has there ever been anything more awkward in the history of the world? Buh. The article recommends playing it off like you forgot what perfume it is that you put on. Because you're an idiot.
MY SUGGESTION: Tell that person to get the hell out of your personal space and stop sniffing around. Pervert.
Scenario #5: A friend is still at your party and everyone else left ages ago.
Cosmo suggests telling that lollygagger that you're beat, or offer to call them a cab.
MY SUGGESTION: Bust out the butt plugs and ball gags and tell them it's time to get the REAL party started.
You're on your own if your friend happens to be into that.
Scenario #6: You have dietary restrictions and you're at a party where you can't eat anything.
What you should do is text the host a day or two before the party, reminding them that you have an allergy and ask if you can bring something.
MY SUGGESTION: Stand by the food table and stare at everyone. Eat imaginary food and really play up how yummy it is.
Scenario #7: Your man says something weird in front of your boss.
The non-awkward way to deal with this is to change the subject and point our something that your boss and your big-mouthed man-friend have in common.
MY SUGGESTION: First, make this face.
Then, imply that the thing they have in common is something like clown porn or drinking hand sanitizer.
Scenario #8: A friend wants to set you up, and you know it will be a disaster.
Cosmo says to tell your friend you're taking a break from dating. If the next day, you meet Mr. Right-Hot, tell her the break is over.
MY SUGGESTION: Say something really mature like, if you like him so much why don't YOU marry him.
Scenario #9: You're stuck walking with a random colleague.
Cosmo suggests making small talk. Ask this person how they like working for your company, or make an excuse like you have to make a detour and stop at the drugstore.
MY SUGGESTION: Tell them you are training for a 100-metre dash and they are welcome to join, if they can keep up. Start sprinting.
OR insist that you hold hands.
I think that's how these two got together in the first place.